I’ve always had to give myself closure than expect it to come from the ones that did the hurting. I think that’s something valid, right? To want closure over a burden that was never yours to carry in the first place.. but that really isn’t easy to get. So what is it that I want/need? I think to myself, maybe closure will ease the pain, maybe it’ll give me answers, or maybe more questions. I’m just really confused.

I feel that I’m undeserving of feeling the way I do sometimes because on paper, my life is beautiful.. the amount of times I’m told “I’m jealous, I wish I was you”, “i wish I had your life” like if only they KNEW. Medication, therapy, hospital rooms, panic attacks, tears, fear: the results of the most traumatic experience of my life. While I am aware I am loved and cared about, or so people say that I am, I haven’t felt much of it since that day.

I used to despise being told “time heals” until.. time went on. I’m not saying I’m okay or happy again but at times when I look back at that immense dark time of my life (when I thought I would never make it out), I realize that I’m finally in a brighter place. Instead of a dark life, I just have spotty clouds. And during those gloomy days, the rain can be crazy but i find peace in knowing that it never stays forever.

I’ll never understand the evil I’ve had to experience in this life. I know I’m not alone on this journey either so I know we’ll get our closure one day. My page matters and our story matters.