It’s valentines day. I have a boyfriend, but I miss my ex. Yes, I know that’s terrible and yes, I agree, it isn’t fair to my boyfriend, but isn’t that the point? Aren’t I suppose to move on? Life is short, right? Isn't that the excuse we all have…well, its mine. My ex and I were together for six years. He was the love of my life; until he wasn’t. We broke up in 2018 because he had feelings for a “friend”. He didn’t have to tell me, I just knew. A few weeks went by and I noticed he was sleeping further and further away from me. He wasn’t cuddling me the same, you know? I hope someone understands what I mean. Well, I went through his phone and saw the conversations he was having with Tiffany. Sending her songs, calling her beautiful, asking if she was busy, etc. I couldn’t tell him I went through his phone, so, I followed him for a day. Yes, I followed him….

I took off work, used my friends car and followed his every move. It turned out, the girl he was crushing on, was his boss. Yea, his boss…and well, the feelings were mutual between them. As his shift was ending, I saw him walk out of work, walk his boss to her car, and kiss...Thats when my world shifted. I understood for the first time why he, or anyone, would keep this a secret. Its because it hurts. It hurts him, as much as it would hurt the one who’s hurting, which is me. It’s 2023 and he still, has no idea that I saw them together. He has no idea that I followed them and witnessed the worst thing any woman could ever see. I refused to tell him only because I saw what I needed to see and didn’t need him to know that I knew.

I packed his things, kicked him out, and life just became different. He felt terrible, I’m sure he did. But, oh how the tables have turned. He’s no longer with her. He’s actually been single sense 2019. I’m sure he’s seen a few girls since, but, none like me. While I can go on and on about how terrible the break up was, the relationship wasn’t. The relationship was magical. It was truly the type everyone wanted, and even; deserved. But, look at me now. Its valentines day and I’m with an incredible person who loves me in a way my ex, never has. He is selfless and such a provider for me. I’ve known no love like this, but, would I be a terrible person for wanting my past, instead? I love my boyfriend more than anything in this world, but, I have no idea how to handle all of this unexpressed pain and love I still have for my past. While people would call someone “toxic” for this, I dont agree. I think its just, life. Through life we fall in and out of love several times, but sometimes, we never fall out of it. We just stay because its scary to fall again and that’s where I’ve been since. I’ve stayed with him since, just, not how I planned. Happy Valentines day my love, I love you Roger.