I feel like my whole life I’ve been nothing but a failure. From a young age my mom never wanted me that was clear. My biological father wasn’t the man she wanted, so she was never really a mom to me. At 10 years old she gave me to my dad because “I didn’t get along with her new husband” my dad eventually remarried and had another daughter with his new wife. My dad and his new wife eventually ended up divorced too, and then at 15 I found out I was pregnant with my very first boyfriends child. I was pressured so much to give him up for adoption, then finally at 8 months pregnant I stood my ground and told them I was keeping my son. I had my son at 16 his biological father split, he wanted nothing to do with him. But we were both young. But from that moment forward it was like my dad stopped caring about providing for me, and I had to start finding a provider for myself and my son. I was never encouraged to get my drivers license or a job, just a husband. So that’s what I found. I ended up pregnant again at 18 and married at 19, having my 2nd child a girl just a few weeks after my wedding. Shortly after she was born, I had another girl and she was my last. For the first part of that marriage I was happy, but then it became miserable, I became very clear that neither of us wanted to be married. He lost his job and for the 1st time in my life I had to get up and provide because he refused to. I hated him. So I left. But I had nothing. No car, no license, no job. So back to my dads I went. My ex husband filed for a divorce and when we went to court, instead of fighting for my children (I knew I didn’t have a way to provide for them) and even though I kick myself in the ass for it to this day, I let my ex husband have custody of them. He didn’t make it easy, and my moms family took his side. We still don’t speak to this day. Shortly after divorcing him I started dating another man, that I was with for 3/4 years, and he slowly became extremely abusive. From slamming my head into walls, to breaking my arm, to having me raped for his drugs, it was torture. He ended up in jail, and I ended up dating someone right away against my better judgment, but I didn’t know anything else. So I ended up married again, but found out he was sleeping with a man. That marriage was over as quickly as it started. While waiting for a divorce from him I began talking to a man that I met when I was with my 1st husband who was one of my best friends, we began talking and eventually fell in love. We fell into drugs for about 7/8 months but have gotten clean together. I had to sign off visitation rights to my kids and I haven’t seen them in 2 years. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my kids, and think about how in some way I’m failing my husband that I have today. I really couldn’t ask for a better man as a husband this man loves me through and through. Unconditionally. But yet I cant find the energy, I can’t figure out my anxiety to get a job and keep a job to help him so we can have a nice life. So I’m hoping by doing this, by writing this I can let go of everything that has happened with these people. I can let go of what I wasn’t taught, and open up to being taught new things. I want to be a better person than what I am today. And I feel like this is the start.