My father and I always had a tough love relationship. He was always the hard European man that hardly showed love in ways you would like but always showed love if that makes sense. Always got along I’d be lying if I told you we didn’t but it wasn’t always the best of times. Hard working man, always on the go to support us. Always a good time, always a lovable person but very strict and stern. When I look back at it he brought me up to be very much like him. I never wore my heart on my sleeve but was always there for everyone. Always helping, always making people laugh, but always putting me last. My father did the same.

After my mother passed my father went to Portugal by himself to get away a bit and I thought it was a great idea. I guess our lack of understanding one another I didn’t realize how terribly hurt my dad was or where he was mentally and he didn’t know how I was feeling. We always had this “I’m good, can’t complain.” When in fact we weren’t and we could have and should have complained. Dropping my dad off I didn’t feel much just said goodbye and I’ll see you in a month.

That month felt like a life time. We hardly spoke on the phone but the day after he left I felt this weird feeling. I don’t know how to describe it but the best way I can is felt empty, scared, felt the need to remind him I was here. I called him about a week into his trip for the first time. Asked him how he was doing and I can tell by his voice he had been crying. He told me it wasn’t the same over there and he wasn’t sure how long he was staying. Don’t remember much of the conversation but I remember right before I hung up I told him “Pai (dad) I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow.” That may have been the first time I had ever said those words out loud to my father and I was 25 years old.

When my dad arrived at the airport I ran to him like those internet videos you see. I hugged him, I hugged him really tight and we held it for a bit. For the first time since my mother left us I felt happy. I also felt like that hug and those phone calls were the start of our bond now. My father that night did something I never expected him to. My father told me he felt so hopeless being there alone. He thought of leaving this world. My dad told me things and made himself so vulnerable. I told him the thought crossed my mind also. As dark as that moment was there was something beautiful in it as well. That moment my father became my best friend.

That being said it hasn’t always been great since. Summer of 2021 my father was told he had to get heart surgery due to what they call a leaky valve. Doctor pretty much told us my father was a walking heart attack waiting to happen. Scared isn’t even the word. We both played it cool but I think we both knew we were worried specially cause of his age he had just turned 70. Sat down with him and he told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be operated on. I told him he couldn’t give up on living. He was strong enough to do this. So he went through with it. Covid was still a bit relevant so we couldn’t stay in the hospital waiting for him. I had to wait at home. Anxious, worried, stressed I waited. My phone rang it was the hospital calling. SCARIEST call of my life I pick up and it’s the doctor. By the way I’m asking is he OK do I need to come down there just thinking of the worst really. He tells me he’s fine he’s recovering you can come down and visit.

Walking into a hospital for the first time since my mother passed so many mixed emotions. I come around the corner and he’s laying in bed we smile simultaneously and he says “I didn’t die” like a smart ass I couldn’t help but laugh. He makes a full recovery and out of the hospital in no time. I’m thinking perfect let’s the good times roll and they did for a few months.

My sister takes him to get a check up and they run some blood work. It comes back and there’s a problem. That single word! CANCER! That word will change so many aspects of your life. Especially when you hear it for a second time. I lost my mother to it so when my sister texted me and told me my father had it my heart sank to my stomach which then went into a knot not only that but I swear I felt the weight of what felt like 1000 elephants on my chest. “Stage 1 luckily” where the words that followed and although in a sense that is lucky the in the world of cancer and luck has no place. Things can get ugly so quickly.

I go to see him and he tells me they are going to start treating and working to take care of it. I noticed something though. There was no fear in my father. Calmness absolute calmness which gave me calmness. I asked him if he was scared and he said “of course but we can’t let fear of the unknown stop us from living and that’s what I want to do the most live. You still have some things I have to see you accomplish.” He smiles I smile. That phrase stuck with me.

I recently took a jump at a opportunity at work. A position I thought about but was worried I wouldn’t get. I was scared you can say. I remembered that phrase and how he was facing his situation. What do I really have to lose except succeeding and if I don’t succeed at this, I’ll succeed at something else so I did it and got it. I called him the minute I got the word I had got it. My father so beyond excited on the phone and right before we hung up said “I’m proud of you boy, I love you!” I had tears in my eyes and told him I love you too.

The loss of my mom, a heart operation, a stage 1 cancer diagnosis all beyond terrible things but I guess my message is there’s always a little bit of light in the darkest of moments. All those terrible things brought me to something beyond great. A true friendship with my father. Look for that little bit of light, it’s there I promise.